I was thinking about what language should I write in. Macedonian, so you can understand me, or in Spanish, so the words will stay in the depth of my soul. Like you used to push your feelings as deep as possible. Towards oblivion, didn't you?
Everything I was supposed to know, you were pushing it inside, and it was meant to come to the surface. You were supposed to tell me anything instead of leaving me guessing. There is nothing worse than assumptions. Because love should be felt, should be shown, and proven, but never based on assumptions. Love should be clear like water.
London… what can I say. I wasn't even excited. I love traveling. Visiting new places. But what happened this time? Where did the euphoria go? Why am I not excited at all? Why am I not happy? Where did all the positive thoughts go? Why am I thinking about you this much? Why do I see you everywhere? Why am I even dreaming of you?
Yes, I dreamt of you. We were together. I was happy. And I was happy with you. I almost burst into tears just thinking about it. But all the bad memories were back as well. The sadness I once felt, was back, too. I was full of emotions, feelings, and memories.
Happy for the best moments we spent together, but sad because it ended.
Free because I can do what I want, but lost at a time, disoriented.
Calm, because I know we are not meant to be, but angry because we should fight, and we did nothing.
In love? I wouldn't say so. I want to see you; hear you, and even hug you. But no, I don't love you, I'm not in love with you.
I love your enormous heart but hate it because it was not made for me.
I miss listening to you, but I hate your silence when I needed you to talk the most.
Grateful, because you changed me for good. But I will never forgive you for not waiting to see that change.
I gave up the idea of fighting everyone for us, but I won my own battle.
Now I know who am I. I know what I'm looking for. But I fucking hate that I only found it in you until now!
I want to know what you think about me. What are you saying when someone's going to ask you about me? It kills me to have so many questions and not a single answer.
I'm still in London. Walking down the streets. Taking photos. Thinking of you. I see couples and I see us in them. When we were on vacation, remember? Or did you already erase that part from your memories? I see families and I ask myself… what would happen if we started living together? Would we pass all the crises?
And what if we continue to love each other even tho we are not together? And what if we never find out about the love, we feel for each other? And what if we go back together? And what if God gives us one last chance to fix everything? And what if we are meant to be, but we find out way too late? And what if this flight crashes, and you receive this letter and realize my life was never the same without you in it, but I'm no longer here?
Why are we cowards? What should I do with the turbulence in my heart and interior? Even on the flight…
So many feelings, and no one to share them with.
So much love and only a cat beside me.
So much space on the bed and I sleep alone.
So many places, and I travel by myself.
So intelligent, and I still can't figure out what the hell I'm feeling for you?
Give me a name for this! Give me an answer! Give me a sign!
I'm going crazy with or without you. If we could at least be friends… To walk in the park, to go for a coffee, to do something, anything! Something more than a hello and a goodbye. Something more than nothing.
Disclaimer:
The stories are seasoned with a lot of drama, and the characters are fictional because the drama starts when logic ends. ☺
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